I'm sitting on the edge
of the darkest abyss.
Maybe there’s some
kind of wind or mist
lightly pushing me
both ways, but for some
reason I can’t seem to
fall. I’d like to, I
really would. Sitting on
this thing is really starting
to hurt my ass, and to be
honest the suspense is
just killing me. That
said, I think I’m thinking
about it too much for
it to really happen. I’m
pretty sure the reason
I’m straight up not
falling is because all
I want to do is fall.
Literally either side
would be fine. I
don’t mind one side
over the other.
Literally pick a fucking
side. Any fucking side.
My body lurches forward
once, daring itself to
go all the way and fall.
Then I lean back a bit,
surveying the feeling in
my gut for a way of
which to begin. What do
you feel like? How do
you feel about it? Are
you scared? Are you at
peace? Are you noisy or noiseless?
Are you screaming or just
breathing? Are you ready?
Do you ever feel ready?
Did you? Before you got here?
Did you ever feel ready? Was life
a waiting game? Wasn’t everything
supposed to come to you?
Weren’t you supposed to attract?
Wasn’t your “energy”
supposed to be enough?
Guess what.
It wasn’t.
You never attracted
because you never lived
for yourself. You never
had people come to your
show because you were
performing for THEM.
You never
wanted to have stake in
yourself. You wanted
everyone to hand it to you.
You never wanted them
to love you. You wanted them
to worship you. You needed it.
You needed their acceptance in
order to survive. You needed
them to look at you, constantly.
If they weren’t watching,
you were worth nothing,
really. You never attracted
because you simply pretended to
live for yourself, knowing they
were all watching. But
they knew that you knew. They
could tell, because at
one point they’d all done
the same thing. They could
tell. And the ones
that couldn’t were as stupid as you. You knew they knew you knew. You just kept going with it.

TRENT CAPPELLI is a 23 year old college graduate with a BFA in Theatre and Performance.
He was born and raised in Camphill, Pennsylvania. As time goes on, he wants to tell stories and
shape worlds through any creative medium grows more and more. His passes his time by writing
and recording songs and further his knowledge on emotional intelligence. You can find him
posting personal essays on his substack, with more fictional content on the way. He believes his
work is for anyone who “thinks they're the only one”.