I've never seen a bigger contradiction than depression

how do you wish you were free of breath, but simultaneously fear heights?

how do you run away, but stay stationary all at once?

how?

how do you fight every day of your life and still end up doing nothing?

the dishes are piling up.

how do you cry, but never shed a tear?

how do you desperately need a hug, but know that you would fall apart with the slightest touch?

how?

how do you do for everyone else, but when it comes to you, you can no longer pour from an empty cup?

there's a smell coming from the sink.

how do you know you're being attacked by demons, yet question your belief in God?

how do you forget to pray, but when you finally do, it's to never see another day?

how?

how does the pain in your heart make you wish you were dead, yet remind you that you're alive?

I think there's something growing in that bowl. 

how?

how can you go on?

how?

how can this hurt so much?

how?

how can you bear to live?

I did the dishes today and maybe that's how I stay alive until tomorrow.

LUCKY BROWN-MARTIN (they/he) is Chicago-born poet who writes about love,
mental health, childhood trauma, spirituality, and politics. Through the art of poetry,
they attempt to healthemselves, as well as heal the unheard, unseen parts of
others.